Last Loser Standing

Theo? Whaaa?

Is he funny or something? I don't get it.

Candy Review: Oh Henry!

This summer I have the fortune to live only mere paces away from a frequently-stocked vending machine, meaning that I can delight in candy confections all I want at all times of the day and night. My eye is always drawn to the bright yellow wrapper of the Oh Henry! bar but I never get it because...well because who ever really wants an Oh Henry! bar? I've never had one, but yesterday my curiosity got the better of me.

Okay. First offense: it's separated into two stout, rectangular bars. And truthfully, if you ain't Mounds, you can't pull that shit off. It's chocolate coated nougat and caramel, but the nougat is so thick that I had to chew it rather forcefully for more time than I would have cared. Also, it's just not that tasty. James referred to it as an "old people candy bar" and it totally is. Because it's totally not good. The chocolate and nougat taste cheap. But points for the annoyingly endearing name and wrapper.

Overall grade: C- (I would rank it slightly lower than a Bun)

Things that Need to Shut Up, Culturally Speaking

Brandon Davis
Anyone or thing associated with American Idol. Even Mandisa.
Panic! at the Disco
Dead Mischa Barton
Any television show I don't watch that is loved by people my age
People who don't buy me this shirt
Penny-farthing haters
Brandon Davis's greasy face

Finale Night

I'm calling it right now: Danielle wins. Things will go according to past seasons, meaning that Jade will get the bitchy-girl third place slot. (Previous examples include Season 3 Amanda, Season 4 Keenyah, Season 5 Bre, and yes, I refuse to call the seasons "cycles" like Tyra wants me to because that? Is stupid.) Joanie won't win because she's too old.

I'm rooting for Danielle because girl is cute and funny and seems halfway normal, but I'd be happy for Joanie, too.

As far as The Amazing Race, of course I'd like to see Ray and Yoyo take it home, but it'll probably be the hippies or fratty-fratty-boom-ballaties.

So just to recap, the glass is half-full for ANTM and half-empty for TAR. We'll see if I'm right.

Three Reasons Why I Loathe Jeopardy!: Tournament of Champions

1). This probably goes without saying, but the questions are hard. And not only are they hard, but the contestants know the answers. Which makes me feel stupid. And I don't like that.

2) The contestants are downright spazzy. They're awkward. They always botch up the "get to know you" segment with unfunny stories and stilted deliveries. They talk over Alex when he's being "funny". Not that I'm for the placing of less intelligent contestants on the show, but come on, a little charisma never hurt anything.

3) The contestants always go out of order. This is probably the number one problem I have. I have watched Jeopardy! just enough in my lifetime to instinctively prepare myself for an ascending level of difficulty in a given category. $200 in World Capitals? Probably going to be Paris. $600? I'm going with Warsaw or Beirut. $1000? I probably don't know it because the answer has something to do with Moldova or the Seychelles. But the contestants in the Tournament of Champions are good at psyching each other out (and the audience) by going all over the place, usually in search of the Daily Double. My mind just cannot handle it. If I were on the show, I would be vaporized into a pile of ash complete with the plonk plonk sound of my eyeballs falling to the ground.

I will, however, not be complaining as long as I am not forced to sit through (a) Celebrity Jeopardy! or (b) any version of Jeopardy! featuring children, high school students, or college students.

By Hook or by Crook

Due to a recent obsession with penny-farthings (...don't ask), James and I recently stumbled upon the late, great pre-Lynchian-level-of-obscurity gem known as The Prisoner. How have I not encountered this show before? For cereal guys, I totally hate when you come across something cool and think you're all cool but you're not because everyone and their monkey is already all about it. (Personal examples for me: Metric, pad thai) Unfortunately, the box set is $120, which, ouch.

I just didn't realize how many popcult references there are to The Prisoner, including everything from The Simpsons to freaking ReBoot. And I love old British weird things. Especially when they involve sci-fi inspired clothing and giant weather balloons and that sound effect that's like drumroooollll...boop! when something quirky happens that involves bad special effects. Ah, so good.

But yeah, if someone can supply the DVDs, I'm sure I can supply the rules to some sort of inebriation-based-game because it looks like it'll be very necessary to appreciate the show.

Oh Good Lord, it's a Kids Show

All of my Wonder Showzen viewing has got me thinking about my favorite holiday: Halloween. Basically I'm thinking there could be some sweet Halloween costumes based on WS characters. And really, they wouldn't be that difficult to throw together. And based on the past three years, I've learned that group costumes are the best and get the funniest reactions out of people. AND the show is fringe-y enough to get a good laugh from those in the know. Here's what I have so far idea-wise. I'm saying it's either this or Devo.

Chauncey
yellow furriness
smallish top hat
bow around neck

Beat Kid(s)
trenchcoat
microphone
squirt gun filled with blood

Wordsworth
red clothes
blue scarf
glasses
exposed brain

Sthugar
pink wig
single fang
lisp

A.P. Gibraltar
lots of those googly eyes
microphone
suit

Princess Amy
pink foofy dress
pink headband
wand

Mr. Story
fake chest hair
top hat
moustache
tattoo spelling "READER"

D.O.G. O.B.G.Y.N.
helmet
goggles
baby doll (Black)
various dog accoutrements

Finger Force Girl
midriff-exposing shirt
tight pants
finger on a stick

Mother/Father Nature
beard
lipstick
purple dress
box of lady parts

Happy Birthday, Dear "Reality"

I don't know how many people realize it, but it's almost the birthday of a whole genre of entertainment as we know it.

It's true, what has become notoriously known as reality television will be six years old--first grade already!--this summer. I can't decide if that seems like a long time or not. Probably not. But yes, it was the summer of 2000 when we first viewed the fruition of some guy with an accent who did shows for The Discovery Channel and his crazy idea to adapt a Swedish game show for the U.S. audience. Never mind that one of the original Swedish contestants actually committed suicide because of the show, this is going to be revolutionary! And what do you know? It kind of was.

Of course I'm talking about Survivor. That first summer when we cried with Jenna because she couldn't see her kids, became enamored with cute Colleen, laughed at Sue and her crazy Wisconsin accent, thought that creepy Greg guy was kind of hot (Or maybe that was just me...), groaned over dumb doctor Sean, and ultimately approved of snake Richard's victory over rat Kelly. It was great television. And think back to when you first heard the concept of the show. "People vote each other off? The island? Guh?" It's cliched to say, but it was an event in television history.

That first summer also brought us the first season of Big Brother, so really the downward slide was already in motion just one month later.

I look back now and I'm realizing that I probably say I love reality television more than I actually do. Let's take a look at my favorite reality shows of all time. We've got Survivor, which I have personally found unwatchable since the Africa season. The Amazing Race came out of nowhere with its sheer awesomeness, but then came the victory of Flo, then the dumbing down of the clues, then the Yield, then Rob and Amber being cast, then that godawful family season, then ridiculous casting decisions what with the abusive couples. So, not so much with the TAR love any more. The Mole was probably one of the smartest, most entertaining shows on television, but no one else watched it due to ABC's fucking around with its timeslot, and then there were those celebrity editions, so it met a rightful death. The Apprentice had a good first run, but it all went to hell the next season and now it looks like it might get cancelled before the sixth is aired. And there's always The Real World, which...'nuff said.

SO that leaves us with what? America's Next Top Model is still going strong in its sixth season. And Project Runway has definitely slid into the number one spot in terms of quality. But that's about it. Now we're graced by the presence of such new gems as Unan1mous, Top Chef, The Simple Life, Laguna Beach, 8th & Ocean, Hell's Kitchen, Beauty and the Geek, Dancing with the Stars, Skating with Celebrities, Wife Swap, Trading Spouses, The Swan, The Restaurant, Blow Out,Newlyweds, For Love or Money, Rock Star ...and on and on and you get it. You get it. I acknowledge that we still had crappy shows even five years ago, mostly thanks to FOX, but at least the good ones were still good. Instead of rehashing interchangeable seasons of crap like The Bachelor and Big Brother, we need something new and something not so affected by previous shows. We need new ideas out there, not hackneyed "twists" to already dying shows. And not some rote, high-concept bullshit networks make to try and create a buzz like Unan1mous. We all get that reality TV is about as postmodern as you can get. We can't rely on that alone any more.

The question is, where can we go from here? I don't know if reality TV is going to once again reach levels of cultural change as much as it did with Survivor and The Real World, but something better happen. Because I refuse a life of watching Deal or No Deal, damn it.

I Am So Not Jazzed

The internets are down in my room until (hopefully) Monday. Blarggle.

Whither Art Thou Mullet, Mandel?

Ah, the full-time life. Today was my first day in my summer of my first forty-hour work week. I almost feel like an adult. Almost.

So this evening after a rousing run to Arby's (Marry me, Five for $5.95 deal), I decided to take part in a typical working American evening of watching 2.5 hours of television, which is granted still lower than the normal average of hours per night, I believe.

I started off with longtime favorite Jeopardy! where I alternatingly felt slightly smart (Hey! I knew a question about the Azores!) and very stupid (Shit, I don't know Maugham. Or Wolfe. Or Fitzgerald. Or ANYTHING.) I am way, way out of practice and might just have to start watching the show regularly to slowly claw my way back up. Or at least stop the yay-for-killing-brain-cells thing.

Then I caught a rerun of a recent episode of Deal or No Deal on CNBC. I watched mostly out of curiosity, what with the mixed and mostly negative press the show's been getting. For the most part I have to say I was kind of entertained with a few periods of boredom. Perhaps, boredertained? Maybe it's just me coming from a relatively working class background, but if I was offered anything over $5000 by "the banker", I would SO TAKE THAT SHIT. These people don't seem to understand odds very well, especially the fact that they have a 1 in 26 chance of taking the $1 million. I'm sure it's all very exciting being on live television with an audience and Mandel's gleaming head and distracting soul patch, but come on people. Dumb. They are, however, likeable enough to keep me watching, and I have to say that for a completely random game that requires zero skill, they put out a pretty good show.

Of course, my biggest problem is the gross treatment of the 26 models. I can put up with Vanna and even Barker's Beauties, but this is just ridiculous. Especially when a contestant's grandfather asks her to "pick a pretty one" for him. Eeeww. As much as I want to see a likeable irony in their presence, it still leaves a blech taste in my mouth. Ditch the objectification and speed up the pace of the game and you might have something I would watch semi-regularly.

Oh yeah. After that I watched Sex and the City for an hour. But Carrie didn't even wear anything that heinous in either ep, so there's really nothing worth mentioning.

Tomorrow: more pseudo-adulthood. But there's something about being an adult that really makes me...want some candy. Ooh! And a slushy!

Stick It? Fuck it.

Woo. I can check off my second movie (the first being Scary Movie 4) from my Spring/Summer Movie Shame-fest now that I have seen Stick It.

My best piece of advice: don't go in expecting all the campy fun of Bring It On because you will be disappointed. Stick It is not a good film, really in any sense, and it's disappointingly not funny a lot of the time. The film seems confused as to who the antagonist is (We're told to hate the bitchy gymnast girl, then the other bitchy gymnast girl, then the judges? Wuh?) and the story is too all-over-the-place to make us feel any sympathy for the main character.

Though the opening credits are quite fun and flashy, and the soundtrack offers some good music including two songs from one of my longtime favorite acts Fannypack. Stick It also has some cool effects going on that, coupled with the music, make for some entertaining segments. The bitchy banter among the gymnasts though is so, so underused, so when it does happen it's pretty damn funny. We're instead forced to focus on grizzled Jeff Bridges doing the whole cliched hard-boiled coach thing. Blech.

Also, and maybe this detracted from the experience a tad, I was one of about four men in a fairly packed theater. And about half of the crowd was under 14 or so. I think I would have stuck out less at Akeelah and the Bee. Wearing a feather boa.