John Waters Marathon: '70s and '80s

In case you didn't know, I consider myself to be pretty gay. So you can imagine my shame in disclosing recently that I haven't seen any of John Waters's oeuvres save his most recent A Dirty Shame and Hairspray some years back. This is doubly shameful since not only are these landmarks in queer cinema, but it's well known that Waters places all of his films in his hometown of Baltimore which is practically in my backyard back home in PA.

Luckily, thanks to Andrew McB, I have caught up to the rest of the big gay world by watching just about all of Waters's mainstreamish films. Here are my thoughts.

Pink Flamingos
The plot: Trailer-residing, voluptuous Divine competes with the maliciously perverted Connie and Raymond Marbles, a couple in charge of a lesbian baby ring, for the title of "the filthiest people alive".

Wow. I knew it would be strange, but...wow. The chicken scene was awful in every way and I'm still bothered by it. Besides that though, I was pretty entertained. The scene with Divine and Crackers licking everything in the Marbles' house was priceless. And Waters's narration between scenes ("Oh happy day!") had me crying I was laughing so hard. And oh God, Edie the Egg Lady. Classic.

Prior to seeing the Flamingos I just knew it as "the one where Divine eats dog shit". Which, granted, stood out as an excellent conclusion. But now when people talk about that as the most standout, disturbing thing I just want to go, "Um, chicken fucking?". Or what about when Divine's character gives her son a blow job? Dog poo ain't got nothing on that. Great movie though.

Female Trouble
The plot: Divine stars as the contemptible runaway Dawn Davenport who becomes the photogenic muse for a beautician couple despite the efforts of her daughter and mother-in-law to put an end to her reign of terror.

Believe it or not, I watched this one with friend and occasional super-prude Phil. He hated it. I had a great time. (Although he regularly quotes the movie now, so I don't know.)

We leave the bestiality and poo-eating of Pink Flamingos to tackle on issues of child abuse, rape and drug addiction in Female Trouble...with hilarious results! Divine and Edith Massey both make great use of their screen time and help make the film just as disturbing as its predecessor. The make-up is great once again, especially Divine post-acid-in-face. For me the greatness of this movie is the image of Dawn stopping to smile at the Dashers' camera before beating her daughter with a chair. You can't get more corrupt than that.

Best line: Tie between "I'll have an extremely large glass of ice water." and "Fuck no! Fuck homework!"

Desperate Living
The plot: After killing her husband, a psychotic housewife and her maid seek refuge in a village of deviant lesbians ruled by Edith Massey's evil Queen Carlotta.

This was the last one that I watched, so after eight other films I'm surprised I like it as much as I did. The biggest problem is arguably the lack of Divine, which gives all of the actors (Edith Massey excluded) kind of a generic, non-outstanding weirdness. But what the movie lacks in characters, it makes up in sheer depravity and grossness. I couldn't even watch Mole's self-castration through my fingers. I definitely recommend it, but not before the first two.

Polyester
The plot: Beleaguered housewife Francine Fishpaw struggles to keep her sanity and sobriety in the face of her adulterous husband, hateful mother, hussy daughter, and criminally fetishist son. The movie also syncs up with one of those scratch and sniff cards.

This one was kind of hit and miss for me. I think this might be one of my favorite portrayals by Divine and she unquestionably held up the movie. It really just made me feel sad for Divine's Francine. It's kind of a let down seeing her go from her murderously fabulous roles in Flamingos and Trouble to being such a sad, beaten down housewife. And the odorama thing must have been tired even back then. Although this movie gets points for having the only death-by-macrame scene I've ever seen.

Most importantly, seeing this movie solved a longtime mystery for me. I've been a fan of The Avalanches' Since I Left You for a while and I first got into their album after hearing the single "Frontier Psychiatrist". Part of The Avalanches' whole style is random sampling of soundbytes from movies, etc. and the beginning to "Psychiatrist" is the whole dialogue between Francine Fishpaw and the school principal. You know, the whole "Surely expulsion is not the answer!" "I'm afraid expulsion is the only answer". I always wondered what in the hell this was from, but it was one of those things that I never cared about enough to actually go and look up, you know? And, uh, now I know.

Hairspray
The plot: Set in the early '60s, zaftig teen Tracy Turnblad gets a spot on Baltimore's local dance show and sets her sights on its policy of segregation.

This is the only early movie that I actually have seen albeit many years ago. How can you not love this movie? And I don't know if it was the mood I was in but I actually cried at one point. (Why yes. I am that gay.) It's just so cute! Ricki Lake and Divine are just adorable. The dancing is fun. Michael St. Vincent is a fox. And Debbie Fucking Harry plays one of the villians. You can't get more queer than that. And Vitamin C? Who fucking knew? Must-see, if only because it has since become a Broadway musical and cultural milestone.

Waters in the nineties and beyond coming soon.

Tour Hotness

So much excitement. First Toronto, now I find out that my electroclash fave Ladytron is playing at the Metro in Chicago on the 21st of April. Jeff and I in our office boredom made tentative plans to drive out there after his final that day. Any other takers? It's only $15 and them crazy Liverpoolians never seem to come stateside. Plus, Chicago is fun times. Lemme know like whoa.

Period. [Click]

Thanks to Jeff, here's the clip of Guadalupe in all her awesomeness. Here's a rough transcript below, too.

"Honestly, I can only give him a personal critique, nobody would ever know, unless they personally respond to me, would know, what my personal response is, and that is of me, and personally I believe you can't like push the boundaries, and like Johnny Cash, "Walk the Line" and...

Understand that Marla has an aesthetic, that I cannot duplicate, but Marla has an aesthetic that she cannot duplicate, and Arion, on national television, if you can get this, you fuckin rock because you believe in what is true. Period. [click] "

When I die, can someone please read this for my eulogy?

Project Runway Does Not Disappoint

Top five reasons why the Project Runway reunion was the best thing ever:

1) Guada-fucking-lupe. What was she on? The nonsense? And the random shouting? "I LOVE SANTINO!!" Her ramblings were just...amazing. Today I even overheared two women in Cafe Ambrosia talking about how crizazy Lupe is. If anyone has a transcript or video clip of this great television moment, please please share.

2) The Andrae facial expression and frolicking montage. Especially Kara and Chloe imitating him by dancing around the bathroom with a hair dryer. Why don't they show more of this stuff on the show?

3) Zulema getting the smackdown from her formal model (Who is so cute!) and the others. Go away, Zulema.

4) Santino getting called out on all of his shit. The guy is funny all right but once you make my Diana Eng cry, it's over, bud.

5) Oh my God. Guadalupe. For reals, that made my television watching year.

Pretty Pucci

With all of the browns and golds going down the runway this season, the Pucci collection is like a breath of fresh air in a suffocating...situation...of earthtones. I love love the silver and blacks and purples with the furry trims. So pretty!

Awesomely Bad Movies of Late

Why does everyone laugh in my face when I mention that, yes, I wouldn't mind seeing Final Destination 3? I know the now-trilogy isn't receiving Oscars for extraordinary filmmaking and I am very aware that the acting is probably a notch above Sunday school pageant. But almost everyone has seen at least one of the first two movies and admits to being entertained by the gruesome deaths. And from the reviews it looks like FD3 offers much more in the way of creatively offing the innocent.

My point is that horror as a genre is going in a creepy, masochistic direction. And you know, I don't want all of my horror movies to be Saw II or Hostel. Watching someone torture another person by blowtorching their eyes or delivering a face full of syringes is not my idea of a good time. That shit just gives me nightmares without any of the fun of "normal" horror films. At least with FD3 it's just a good old suspenseful, pretty young people running around sort of horror without all of the grisliness. It's like, happy horror! (Like remember when Stifler gets beheaded by the train in the first FD? Priceless!)

I bring this up because of the ongoing debate between me and Phil. I think FD3 should be our next moviegoing expenditure. His choice: Date Movie. I mean, come on. You know you're going to be entertained by FD3 regardless of how "bad" it is. Why take the chance on Date Movie which probably has no redeeming qualities whatsoever?

Toronto a Go-Go

It's official! I will be spending a portion of my "Spring" Break (Thanks for starting it in February yet again, U of M) in lovely Toronto for a long weekend of drinking and dancing and fashion and fame. And curling. Or something. Our small cast of characters will include:

Allison a.k.a. The Fly Girl. With the drunken wit of Brett Somers and a sense of style to boot, she will undoubtedly let loose once on Canadian soil. And it will probably involve dancing to Peaches. Or Usher.

Jeff a.k.a. The Playboy. A penchant for overpriced martinis and cigars makes Jeff the class-act in our motley crew...when he's not falling off the hotel bed.

and myself a.k.a. The Wild Card since Lord knows how I'll behave. O, Canada!

The Freshmaker: Patterns, Politics and Paris Wannabes

Fresh: Paisley
Fresh Last Week: Argyle
Stale: Plaid

Fresh: Gays in Iraq
Fresh Last Week: Gays in the media
Stale: Gay marriage

Fresh: Courtney Peldon
Fresh Last Week: Kimberly Stewart
Stale: Bai Ling

Project Runway Penultimate Episode 2: The Underwhelmening

So we're at our unsurprising final three. It certainly would have been disappointing for Chloe not to be here simply since she has to say "You will see me at fashion week" in the show's opening every week. Too bad for Nick though as he "heck yeah" did not "win this".

Yes, all of the dresses this week were pretty sucky. They should have all been more exciting with the exception of Santino's which should have been more...unfugly. I guess I'm okay with the final three. I don't even know who I'm rooting for though. Chloe is cool, but she seems like such a sad sack lately it's hard to get enthusiastic. We all know Daniel can design good stuff. And...that's about it. Plus I could see him being all bitchy and unlikeable after the show if we wins a la Jay. Santino is interesting but makes ugly stuff about sixty to seventy percent of the time, so blech.

Daniel is the easy pick to win, but then again so was Kara Saun last season. See? Last season it was so easy. We would have all been happy with either Jay or Kara. Everyone was united against The Pepper. Now we the audience are without direction or unity. Where are you, show editors? Tell us what to think!

More importantly: reunion show next week! It looks like there's going to be a Chloe pile-on which is a little baffling. The real mystery: Will Diana and Emmett, my personal faves, even talk?

Vee Day

Another year, another Suck Day. If it weren't for the abundance of candy, I probably wouldn't make it through the day. (In fact, randomness. About three guys ran into my sociology class today dressed as masked ninjas, threw candy all throughout the room, and then ran back out. Fun idea, I thought, until I got fwapped in the head hard with a Bit-o-Honey.)

Honestly I don't hate V-Day because of the whole wah, I'm single and I'm going to die alone thing. I prefer la vie single so it's nothing new. And I don't hate the whole meaning behind the holiday because I'm cool with showing people you love them in whatever ways you like. What I hate is that every year I have to deal with the heterosexual assumptions and images associated with V-Day. I hate that I can't have a serious, sociologically-based discussion in class about the inequalities in U.S. notions of love without it being all about how men and women can't ever figure the fuck out who's going to pay for dinner. (Seriously, straight people. Figure it out and SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY.) And I hate that people view V-Day as being a chance for everyone to express their love when a lot of people can't express their love without fear of stigma, losing their job, their kids, et cetera. And it's not just about gay people. Interracial, inter-class, inter-religious, and inter-age dating are all treated as lesser forms of love. I guess it makes sense that we need a stupid holiday to celebrate love considering all of the restrictions we have on it the rest of the year.

Project Runway: Not-So-Extreme Makeovers

*Don't read if you don't want the last ep of Project Runway spoiled to the X-TREME*

I guess I never really commented on the most recent episode which was admittedly controversial in the decision to eliminate Nick.

Whoo, okay. First of all, I was glad to see Chloe finally win another challenge, especially since she totally got shafted in the figure skating competition. I hated Daniel's outfit for Chloe and the poor execution was unacceptable at this point in the game. And speaking of which, as much as Santino has been cracking my shit up lately even to the point of me taking his side with the whole Nick-being-a-baby thing, having a sleeve completely detach itself on the runway is not cool. Nick's outfit was certainly nothing to write home about, but given that they both have been mediocre as of late, Santino should have gotten the aut, hands down.

And okay, I'll even admit it. In retrospect I kind of liked Santino's...thing. I know! It's totally ugly, but I kind of like that whole ugly, amorphous, disco reject look. And although S-To should have gone, I'm not exactly weeping about Nick's departure. Four weeks ago, yeah it would have been tragic. But after this and this, my love has been rapidly dwindling. Shame, too. Boy is hot. Evidently, boy is thirty-eight too. Boy looks good for his age.

So yeah, it looks like Chloe and Dan are in for sure. I'm guessing they sweep Kara into the finals as well. Should be pretty good. Although I'm really looking forward to the reunion show.

True Faith

Although Hard Candy is giving the competition a run for it's money for most compelling trailer of the season (not), Sofia Coppola's Marie-Antoinette is certainly getting some of the more all-over-the-place reactions. It's hard to resist the what the fuck? reaction upon seeing La Dunst and Jason Schwartzman (!) frolicking around eighteenth century France to New Order's "Age of Consent" (!!).

This got me and Phil thinking about other historical events that could be portrayed on film by young actors and semi-appropriately matched up with hits of the eighties. For instance, how about a tongue-in-cheek portrayal of the Spanish Inquisition set to, say, The Smiths' "Panic". Or what about a film highlighting the Bolshevik Revolution and the far-from-uneventful rule of the Romanov's to Tears For Fears's "Everybody Wants To Rule The World"? The journey of Lewis and Clark and the subsequent meeting of Sacajawea to The B-52s' "Roam"? The biography of Henry Ford set to Gary Numan's "Cars"? The Watergate scandal to Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now"? Joan of Arc and The Eurythmics' "Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves". And shit, let's just do a random matching of the following events: the Salem witch trials, the romance of Josephine and Napoleon, the Teapot Dome scandal, the Sacco and Venzetti trial, the horrors of Vlad the Impaler, with the following songs: Janet Jackson's "Escapade", The Human League's "(Keep Feeling) Fascination", Terrence Trent D'Arby's "Wishing Well", The Psychedelic Furs' "Pretty in Pink", Madonna's "Borderline". We clearly have a lot of options to work with.

Anyway, despite La Dunst I am optimistic about Marie-Antoinette. So far Ms. Coppola has broken even in my book. Love love loved The Virgin Suicides. (And you really can't beat Air's soundtrack.) Then came Lost in Translation, which...blargh. But New Order is one of those bands that will always be cool, and everyone loves the whole alleged aloofness of Marie-Antoinette. It might just work out after all.

Re: The Hard Candy Trailer

MickWrong: did anything just happen?
Phil: she's gonna torture him for being a pedophile!
Phil: it's like a character study!
MickWrong: except the preview didn't intimate that at all
MickWrong: and that guy was so not a pedophile
MickWrong: he looked like a hipster art historian or something
Phil: he IS
Phil: he meets young girls on the internet and meets them to take NUDE PHOTOS
Phil: still think he's "hip" ?
MickWrong: well, pedophilia is so hot right now, pedophilia
MickWrong: plus, come on
MickWrong: "girl" was like twenty-four
Phil: she's supposed to be like 14 or something
Phil: anyway, bedtime
Phil: go think about underage children
MickWrong: mmm...

Possible Names for my New Indie Rock Band Inspired by Terms from my Intergroup Dialogue Facilitation Training

The Icebreakers
Privilege Walk
Learning Edge
The Isms
The Hot Buttons
Pheedback
Nonverbal Q
Agent Target
Raceclass Gender
...And you will know us by our active listening skills

Fandango?

Forwarded from Geoffrey Jellineck (aka Jeff):

"Thought you all would be interested in this, if you haven't heard already from http://darkhorizons.com"

Posted: Tuesday February 7th, 2006 12:02am
Source: The Hollywood Reporter
Author: Garth Franklin

ThinkFilm has acquired worldwide rights to "Strangers With Candy," the feature based on the Comedy Central cult hit about 46-year-old ex-junkie high school student Jerri Blank says The Hollywood Reporter.

According to a source close to the production, no changes were made to the feature during or after its time at WIP. Warner Independent Pictures picked up the film at last year's Sundance Film Festival for some $3 million, but then first-time feature producer Worldwide Pants Inc. got it back in the fall after WIP raised questions about clearance issues.

Thinkfilm now plans to release the film in exclusive engagements in late June or early July.

Yay! Who's up for seeing it in costume? I totally call Tammi Littlenut.

The Twix Shot

Okay, so you know those Twix commercials? The ones where there is a protagonist who says something regrettable and then circumvents the following awkwardness by shoving, and I mean shoving an entire Twix bar into her or his mouth? A real bar, too--not a fun size or anything wimpy like that.

So somehow Jeff, Allison, Phil and I decided to try this shoving method of eating a Twix bar after Jeff chanced upon a multi-pack of the delicious confections. Hence the "Twix Shot" (because we were drinking at the time, natch) was actualized in real life. And it.

Was.

Amazing.

It really was like taking a shot of Twix. Initially it was hard to cram the whole thing in there, but once you did you were bombarded by chocolate, caramel, and of course, the cookie crunch in such an intense, metaphysical way it was like candy nirvana. I will only eat my Twix bars in this manner from now on.

And the commercials don't lie. You really can't talk with all that Twix, all that Twix inside your mouth.

Top Cat

Hoorah! My sister's cat Daria is Cat of the Day today on Catster. I'm not used to having such a big celebrity in the family.

The BooYay: February 3, 2006

Boo on James Frey for both refusing to go away and for still not really 'fessing up to the fact that he totally lied. Geez, it's not like we're not going to hate you any more than we already do.

Yay for all of the designers on Project Runway for really turning it out this past episode using only plants and plant supplies. Even the "bad" designs weren't that bad. And best of all, Andrae didn't go crizazy following his elimination.

Boo on myself for not caring at all about the Super Bowl even though it's happening forty minutes away.

Yay for Snakes on a Plane because I cannot wait for that shit.

Boo on that punk Punxsutawney Phil for plaguing us with six more weeks of winter. I don't care how fucking cute you are.

Finally, yay for those nasty chalky Valentine's Conversation Hearts that I love. (Except for the purple, yellow and pink ones. Boo on all y'all nasty ass.)

We're Known For Cigars, Too

Thanks to Gina for alerting me to this Red Lion (my hometown in PA) shout-out in inappropriate t-shirt form. It's weird how I forget about that whole incident from time to time. Crazy.

The Amazing(ly Uninspiring and Un-Diverse) Teams

Here we fucking go again with the new teams. Seriously, one season a year is pleeyenty, CBS. At least after the awful family season The Amazing Race has no where to go but up.

So the teams:

Lake & Michelle, which I'm sorry, Lake? Not a name people. And he really looks like the lost Baldwin. He's a "typical Type A personality" which is a nice way of saying "asshole". Michelle is "loyal, kind and loving". Feh.

Danielle & Dani, ACK! Wow, scary. "Beauties" is certainly a relative term, I suppose. They "aren't afraid to use" their good looks to win, which gets a resounding "fuck off" from me.

BJ & Tyler, whoa, wacky! We're crazy! We bounce on trampolines at Burning Man! We walk the entire length of Japan! Are you convinced by our sheer zaniness yet? Do you see the long hair? And the shirts? Crazy, we are!

Ray & Yolanda are the only people of color (At least going by the pics. I could be wrong) on the whole race. Again we have one team of color. Out of eleven. Of course their profile is blandy bland because, after all, we know why they're here. You know TAR, there are people of Asian, Hispanic, Native American and Middle Eastern descent in the U.S. too. Does anyone else think this is unacceptable? At least Ray is pretty.

John & Scott are scaring me in their picture. Specifically it's John who is making this frightening, soul eating face. Or just a really gay face; I can't tell. John also has a "fear of flying", though I'm guessing not in the Isadora White, zipless fuck sort of way. I'm sure this will be bludgeoned into our heads over and over again by the editors so I'm not really looking forward to this team. Scott will say two things on the entire race.

David & Lori look like they're halfway normal. Yay! Lori looks adorable and she has the Pizza Hut hook-up. Go team, go!

Eric & Jeremy are our resident fratty-fratty-boom-ballaties. They are "admittedly cocky" and "very competitive". Who even cares any more?

Fran & Barry will not be winning The Amazing Race.

Lisa & Joni seem okay until you get to the last sentence which says that they would use the prize money for plastic surgery. At least they're honest, I guess. I always like to see how the sibling teams interact and Lisa's art gallery thing is cool. It seems like they could go either way on the likeable-obnoxious spectrum, so we'll see.

Joseph & Monica are our unexciting "dating" couple. I'm hoping they turn out more Kris & Jon than...well any other "dating" couple that has been on the show.

Wanda & Desiree seem suspiciously normal and well-adjusted. I'm sure they'll prove us wrong. Or get eliminated in the first ep. Whichever.

The forty-seven hour long premiere will be on Tuesday, February 28.